Winter's grey clouds are inside

I have hurt for too long.
 Well, not exactly hurt. If I considered my writing worthy of a fart, I'd say I've been "unwilling to live". So for the next couple days/weeks, expect posts about my life. Maybe it will help. I find that being honest about what I think and feel and how I'm broken helps, while I don't seek any professional help.

It used to be easier, just putting feelings aside and keeping on keeping on. I could usually forget about feeling down. Now, not so much. It seems like there's a mutedness to everything. like seeing the world through washed colors. Washed feelings. No, not washed feelings. Only some of them. I was reading some astrology stuff this week (I know, no need to get started) right after finishing the first Dragonlance trilogy. And it mentioned that people of my zodiac sign have a tendency to be mellow, or sorrowful, which echoed Margaret Weiss' 'sorrowful gentleness', so often cited in the books.

Because that's how I've felt since life, well, kinda stabbed me in the back. A sorrowfulness. A weight to everything. And, yet, I know to enjoy life. I know to value the smiles, the experiences, the people by my side that enjoy my company. And I can't deprive myself of that. I talked about refusing to be defined by my sadness, by my troubles, because life is so much MORE than it. So I try. And I'm so good at trying.

But it hasn't been enough. Past few days have been a parade of grey days and wakeful nights, and I can't really pinpoint a cause to it. I should have gotten over it. I should listen to the wonderful friends I have in my life. And I do. But not entirely. And it's bringing me down, eroding things little by little. And I honestly don't know what to do. Seeing someone to talk to about this won't happen for the next few weeks, at least. And I have to try to keep it up, for everyone's sake.

 I think I'm too smart to be fully brought down by whatever this is, but not strong enough to win it over. I don't know.

 I think I'm depressed.